everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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