Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
