mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
