so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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