apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
