Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
