You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
