My liver just broke up with me...
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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