guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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