I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
