Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize