the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
