just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize