What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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