i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize