Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I intend to get homeless drunk
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Randomize
