Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
This is classic penis vs brain.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
