some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
