I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
