Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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