Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
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