I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
