I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
