the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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