anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
