Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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