I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
