I think im going to throw up on grandma
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
