it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
