dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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