of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize