I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
