you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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