My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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