i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
