Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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