i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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