I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
