So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
