My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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