I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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