My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
