I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
