my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
