def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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