I think I died a long time ago.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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