God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
