I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize