just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
