so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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