he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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