Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
