literally had 100 drinks last night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
