the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize