The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
