3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
