I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
