The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
