Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
