I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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