Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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