do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize