You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I need moral support for this bender
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
